The other day, I received an email from a wife whose husband had cheated. She was not sure if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not. But, she wanted my advice as to whether she should tell her family about the infidelity or not. I’ll share with you what I told her in the following article.
Should You Tell Your Family About The Affair?: This article probably won’t be very long because I have a very cut and dry answer to this and that answer is no. Here’s why. First off, I did not know if she meant her immediate family (meaning children) or her extended family (meaning mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, in laws, etc.) However, in terms of children, they should never be brought into this. This is not in any way their fault and this is in no way an issue that is appropriate for children. There are things that children have no need to know about their parents and this is one of those things.
In terms of extended family, I understand that sometimes you want their support (I did too.) I understand that sometimes you feel that this might help them to understand why you are at a crossroads in the marriage or why things are different. But, here’s the problem. You have no way to know how you are going to feel about this in a few months from or even a few years from now. You may still be married and just want to heal or move on. Or, you may be in a new relationship. Either way, do you still want to still be questioned about this? It will be much more difficult to put this behind you if everyone knows about it.
Also, this can change the way that the family feels about your spouse. If you are going to work things out with him, this is probably not what you want for the future. I have one friend who told her mother about her husband’s infidelity and now the mother never passes over a chance to slam her husband or to flash suspicious glances or “I told you so” looks. This creates conflict that really did not need to happen.
Now, it may be obvious to your family that something is going on. They are likely to ask. It’s OK to admit that you are going through a marital rough patch, but you don’t need to spell out any more than that. If they press you, just say “thanks so much for your concern but I’m going to keep my marriage private. I would appreciate your support as I struggle through this though.”
Understandably, you likely want someone that you can share this with. I recommend a neutral coworker (who doesn’t know and will never hang out with ) your husband or a counselor who really doesn’t know either of you. Because, there will likely come a time when you are going to wish that you never told your family, but you can not take this back. It’s better to never cross that line at all. Because once you do, there’s often no going back and the relationship and perceptions are often changed forever. Your marriage should be between you and your spouse and no one else.
